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tclements6tlc
87

14 points, can you revise my paragraph using strong ideas, good vocabulary, varied sentence, transitional words, organization and the paragraph basics? My most embarrassing moment was when I was in 7th grade and we had field day. So all the middle schoolers were outside 6th and 7th grade, so while we were outside I was playing tag with friends and the person who was it chased me and I hopped over a little circular fence but couldn't quite get away so then somebody came over to help me not get caught and while they were distracting the person that was it I was starting to run but when I started to run I tripped over the little fence causing me to fall. While I was falling it felt like I was in slow motion, like I could see myself from first person literally turning around slowly in the air crashing down on my shoulder it was so slow. Then after I got up feeling so hurt but I took it like a champ just walking it off then my principle came over and was walking it off with me and then She took me to the nurse there I had realized not only was my uniform shirt ripped but my uniform pants were too I never went home i stayed for the rest of the school day, I just got a alcohol pad and a bandage, ever since that day for the rest of the year my Friends were calling me "I forgot to jump" what a school year.

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cool21

Hi! I tried my best. Hope you like it or I was able to help!  My most embarrassing moment was when I was on field day in 7th grade. All of the middle schoolers were outside - 6th and 7th grade. While we were outside, I was playing tag with friends and the person who was "it" chased me. I hopped over a little circular fence but couldn't quite get away and then somebody came over to help me not get caught. While they were distracting the person that was "it" I was starting to run but when I started to run I tripped over the little fence causing me to fall. While I was falling, it felt as if everything was in slow motion. I could see myself from second or third person, watching me in body form literally turning around slowly in the air and crashing down on my shoulder. After I got up I was feeling very hurt but I took it like a champ; just walking it off and my principal came over and started walking with me. She took me to the nurse, and there had I realized that not only was my uniform shirt ripped but my uniform pants were as well. I never went home. I stayed for the rest of the school day, but I just got an alcohol pad and a bandage. Ever since that day for the rest of the year my friends were calling me, "I forgot to jump." What a school year! Little note: In the sentence, "While I was falling, it felt as if everything was in slow motion. I could see myself from first person..." That would mean that you're watching yourself as yourself and not as someone else. Say your friend Jimmy was watching you fall. You'd be watching your human form fall from Jimmy' point of view instead of you, Vaisha, watching yourself fall.  I suggest you say third person instead of first. Every other correction I made is in the paragraph above. :)

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